Helping Preschoolers Cope with Divorce

How was preschool today, Danny? I had fun, mom, but my friend Marsha was sad all day long. She said her mommy and daddy are getting divorced. She said her daddy is leaving because he doesn’t love her anymore. Will you and daddy get divorced?

You may be faced with the same situation that Danny’s mother had to confront. How well you handle the explanation can determine how well your child can react to his friend’s problem. You can reassure your child that you and his father have no plans to divorce, that you both love each other and him very much, and that you are going to continue living together as a family. You can explain that his friend’s parents will always be her parents, and will always love and take care of her, even if they don’t live in the same house. Although your first reaction as a parent might be to try to shelter your child from his friend’s painful experience, you can better help him become a more caring person by encouraging him to be extra friendly during this difficult period. You can try to explain that sometimes bad things happen to friends, even though they are nice people. When this happens, you can look for ways to help them feel better.

Children’s Reactions to Their Parents’ Separation
Divorce has emotional and behavioral consequences, even for well-adjusted preschoolers. Both long-term and short-term consequences are inevitable, but with proper understanding, much can be done at the time of divorce to help children adjust. Although most children do adapt eventually to the new family situation, the time of change is extremely stressful. Preschoolers will have different reactions to the news that their parents will be separating. Some of the following are reactions children might have to a divorce:
• Fear and Anxiety
• Sadness
• Conflict of Loyalty
• Guilt
• Regression
• Pseudo-adult Behavior
• Withdrawing from Play

Parents can do a great deal to help their children cope with divorce. For very young children, the most important factor in their adapting to divorce is the capacity of their parents to continue to be competent and attentive parents. Children adapt best to divorce when they can maintain contact with both parents and when a conflict in their parents’ relationship is minimized. To maintain contact with both parents in a meaningful way, children should be encouraged to feel that they will now have two families and two homes. They need to be reassured that their parents both love them and are committed to being their parents.